I think it is ironic (or not...) that this "heart problem" possibility with Christopher happened when I've been pondering the need to be in control recently. It has been on my mind quite often, especially when I'm washing dishes (which can be my time of deepest thinking!).I have known people who definitely possess controlling personalities. They are always stressed because they are not only living their own life, for which God gives them the grace to live every morning...they also feel the need to help other people live their lives. No one can be at peace when they carry the responsibility for more than their own path in this life.
Most of the these people I have known (and loved) were not bad people, although I can think of one or two whose attempts to manipulate circumstances caused great grief to themselves and others. No...quite often the need to be in complete control was simply caused by a base of fear. My mother was like that at times, most likely because of some really bad things happening to a very good person throughout her life. She came to a place where her mind was always straying to the worse possible scenario of each situation.
It is not in my nature to be a controlling person, if anything I have been blessed with the ability to "let it go". It is the only way I can handle living with someone who has emotional as well as physical disabilities. Not that I do it well each day. No...there is often the need to get away for awhile, take deep breaths, pray a lot, or find my way to the rocking chair on the porch (or my deck now that I have a table and chairs!). I am always having to tell my son...let it go...I mean, really...let it go. Don't let anger and frustration take root for it is much easier to pull those little weeds than to have to dig them out later when they have taken a strangle hold.
The realization that I, too, had a need to control circumstances came about when I found myself exhausted more than usual one evening. As I thought about it, I realized I had taken on more than I had to that day because I felt the need to drive my son to various activities... only because we were experiencing heavy rain. I was fearful that he would have an accident so I wanted to be in control of the driving that day. Oh, ye of little faith!
How much easier it would have been to pray for his safety and let him take the car. The need to be in control added an unnecessary burden to my already busy schedule and caused those things that are my responsibility to be late (as in cooking and laundry). I was reminded of the verse of this famous hymn...
What a Friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Ev'rything to God in prayer!
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Ev'rything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Ev'rything to God in prayer!*
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Ev'rything to God in prayer!*
So...I had already done some pondering about this very thing when the doctor's report came in...a possibility of something very serious to consider. Thankfully, after the initial shock and a good cry, I was able to stay calm (with the help of a lot of prayers, I'm sure). Christopher and I chatted about it a lot and we both knew God was in control.
There have been instances when the news was not so good and God has given the grace to handle each situation. This time there was great rejoicing as the burden was lifted. Was it a test from above or just life being lived in a fallen world? Hmmm...I haven't a clue. I guess it really doesn't matter in the long run because each day we have a choice if we are going to put our life in His hands and walk in trust or not.
*What a Friend We Have in Jesus by Joseph Scriven, 1820-1886
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